using pain to become

finding answers [on love; day 6/10]

Today I want to talk about how leaning into pain can be the biggest act of self-love. By leaning into pain, I don’t mean to be a masochist and actively seek out painful experiences. Instead, I mean to pay close attention to pain when it arises, and allow it to enact its transformative power. Now, that is self-love. 

“I can use pain to become. I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming.” - Untamed, Glennon Doyle

I can use pain to become. There is something so uniquely profound about pain. In that just by sitting with it, you can glean so much about what hurts you, what terrifies you, what angers you. When a friend takes more than she gives, I learn that the source of my hurt is the hunch that she may not weigh our friendship the same way I do. As a kid, when my grandparents expect me to do the chores and turn a blind eye to my brother lounging in front of the TV, I realise that the source of my anger is at the injustice of it all, that my time and energy matter less than my brother’s, who is a boy. 

Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Pain holds in itself a mountain of transformative power - a power that exists regardless of the source: heartbreak, rejection, failure, betrayal. Surely, if I look back on my life’s biggest inflexion points, biggest change in directions, biggest achievements, they were the result of some sort of pain. 

And I believe this is because amidst the tears and the world of hurt, pain is also a deep, earnest call for us to intervene - to change. A sudden eruption of migraines call for me to put my screens aside and rest. An injured ankle calls for me to stop exercising and nurse it with an ice pack. A heartbreak, however small, calls for an intervention to make my needs (for affection, reconciliation, apology, separation) known and met. 

Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me into gold. Self-rejection and self-loathing can bring us much torment and despair. I recall one particular moment years ago when I contended with my reflection in the mirror and hated what I saw. Too many girls are far too familiar with this very frequent experience. Some of us even avoid looking at the mirror. But what lies beneath the hurt is always the body’s silent cry for repair, and for us to treat myself with tender, loving care. I stopped my frenzied exercising, picked up an intuitive eating guidebook, and finally learned to love my body for the temple that it is.

If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming. I think that loving ourselves is to proactively hunt down, sit with and address the pain in our lives. Unfortunately, pain has a dark side: beyond its immobilising force, it is also addictive. It can take large amounts of willpower not to wallow in the pain, or sit in the puddle of our own victimhood. Pain masquerades as an excuse to stay where we are. If we play to its dark side, we undermine its greatest potential: that when given permission to do so, pain will fuel a much-needed revolution in our own lives. 

✿

When has pain last spoken to you? It might be worthwhile to sit with it for a moment, and evaluate: what is the change to your family, relationships, career, or self, that it is urgently calling for?

warmest,
shiying