marriage: living with particular forms of insanity

finding answers [on love, day 5/10]

“Whom should I marry?” is a timeless question of deliberation. Over the years, the idea of marriage has become an important conversational topic between my mom and I during our evening walks: what makes a good marriage, what is required of me to contribute to one, and when/how do you know someone is right for marriage?

“In a very personal way we are marrying not only a person’s ability to love and take care of us, but also that person’s particular species of selfishness and particular form of egotism. It is only a question of time before these appear. One of the tests of finding the right person is to ask ourselves if this is the particular form of selfishness and egotism we can live with. Considering the difficulties of marriage we might pose the question on a grander scale and ask if this is the particular form of insanity we can live with. A sign of possible success is our ability to answer in the affirmative. It means the chemistry is right, and also that we are not looking for perfection in our partner but for a mutual exploration of imperfections.” — The Three Marriages, David Whyte 

In a very personal way we are marrying not only a person’s ability to love and take care of us. I noticed that I can get so caught up in the ways I want to be treated and cared for. There is of course, nothing wrong with that. To even consider a lifelong relationship with anyone (particularly one with very real legal, economic and social implications) involves a logical assessment of the other person’s ability to love and care for us. And by this, I mean their ability to meet specific needs that we have relegated to the sphere of long-term, romantic commitment. Needs for intimacy, respect, support, cherishing.

We are marrying…also that person’s particular species of selfishness and particular form of egotism. It is only a question of time before these appear. I am thinking — how much time is truly enough to be acquainted with the less desirable, shadow sides of a potential partner? A year? Two? Perhaps a timespan long enough for sufficient trials and tribulations to arise, and for life’s key inflection points to be experienced. A timespan long enough to witness how the other overcomes challenges and practices resilience (or their inability to do so) through turbulent periods. To give us a more concrete glimpse of how life together will look like in the years ahead, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

Considering the difficulties of marriage we might pose the question on a grander scale and ask if this is the particular form of insanity we can live with. When I first shared this quote with Jet many months ago, we both agreed that the word ‘insanity’ was a little odd, but the word does what it needs to. My mom used to complain about my dad’s short temper, but she respected his ability to discipline my brother and I as kids. My dad still grumbles about my mom’s love for shopping, but begrudgingly acknowledges that her little trinkets and love for gift-giving have made our house a home. They both decided that the other’s quirks were particular insanities they could live with.

And it is possible to learn about the types of insanity that are present out there. By listening to conversations among relatives during Chinese New Year. Observing relationships in your friendship circle. Entering relationships yourself. For example, I know I find it hard to respect someone who lacks courage, decisiveness, ambition and integrity. These are insanities that I will not live with.

In considering the tasks required of me to contribute to a good marriage, I’d also like to direct this question to myself: what are the particular forms of selfishness and egotism that a potential partner would have to live with? And are any of these detrimental to a good marriage? Some may say that I spend a little too much time on my work and my art. I am utterly conflict-averse and instinctively fight to keep the peace. I know that I can be quick to judge and assume bad intentions from others. I need so much of my own space. I can be selfish when it comes to meeting my own needs over those of the group. And the list goes on. 

We are not looking for perfection in our partner but for a mutual exploration of imperfections. This is such a beautiful notion. To choose to spend a lifetime with someone (i.e. the promise of marriage), is to hope for a richer, lovelier, more fulfilling experience of life’s gifts. I imagine that this fulfillment can be in part derived from a mutual exploration of imperfections. I am well aware of my many flaws and am trying to work on them. But it does sound nice to be part of a union where flaws can be openly and safely discussed; mistakes forgiven; imperfections accepted — even embraced. 

✿

And so, that is day 5/10: marriage: living with a particular form of insanity. I can’t believe that all I’ve been talking about is mostly alluded to romantic love. And so I’m excited to finally talk about love in other realms of life (friendships, a vocation, for the self). See you soon for day 6/10 :)

warmest,
shiying