love is the will to extend one’s self

finding answers [on love, day 1 of 10]

I realised that I really like to keep an ever-growing book of quotes that I revisit over and over. So I’m starting a series where I select my favourites and mull over them properly, thematically, with you! ✿

I wanted to start the first series off with ‘love’ because I love love, and also because February, the month during which we celebrate love, is approaching. 

Ah, love. So wonderful, so beautiful, so elusive! 

day 1 of 10: love is the will to extend one’s self

I feel like we’ve all heard the saying that goes something like “love is a series of actions, that it’s not what you say, but what you choose, what you give, and what you do.” But this saying can feel awkward and clunky, without offering much insight. And so I wanted a version of this quote I found while reading All About Love by Bell Hooks, that I personally really liked and think is a lot more articulately pieced together:

“Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” — The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck

I first want to ponder about the choice of the word extend. To extend is to offer, to avail oneself. Sometimes, it implies stretching, expanding, going out of one’s way. To extend is to give. And therefore to love is to give - to yourself, to others. Specifically, to go out of your way to give, in order to enable, to fortify, to propel another’s growth. A growth of any kind – spiritual or otherwise. 

Sometimes, we unknowingly extend ourselves to others. I think the moment we come to notice this later, is when we realise that we’ve fallen in love. With a person. A work. An idea. I am enamoured with the idea of extension - that we extend ourselves for the things and the people we love. There are also times when we overextend ourselves. When we overextend, we can love in a way that is self-sacrificial, in a way that is sometimes to our detriment. 

Love is an act of will - namely, both an intention and an action. I think that we judge the purity of anything – an action, a piece of art, a piece of work, by the purity of the intent. Love brings to mind an intent that is pure. It is an energy that is light and warm, a vibration that soothes. It is untainted and precious. And so, of course, the intention matters. You can show care and concern and affection to someone, but that doesn’t mean it’s love. You have to want to love, in order to love. 

Will also implies choice. If you felt obliged to show care and concern, or at the very extreme, coerced, your actions are not love. Love isn’t an obligation, a chore, or something you do out of fear.

Love can look something like this: I choose to commit to you. I choose to bake you a cake just to see you smile. I choose to provide comfort during difficult times. I choose to support you in becoming the best version of yourself. 

✿

And so, that is day 1/10: love is the will to extend one’s self. See you soon for day 2/10!

warmest,
shiying