love is a source of delight; and its absence, a source of pain

finding answers [on love, day 2 of 10]

Welcome to day 2 of 10 of the finding answers series (on love edition), where I dig into my journals, pick a couple of my favourite quotes and mull over them properly, with you ✿

If you could picture love as an energy, what shape or form would it take? How does it feel to be wrapped in its embrace, and how does it feel when it is gone? I want to share two quotes from the same book. The first: 

“…not only is love a source of delight, but its absence is a source of pain…love is to be valued because it enhances all the best pleasures, such as music, and sunrise in mountains, and the sea under the full moon. A man who has never enjoyed beautiful things in the company of a woman whom he loved has not experienced to the full the magic power of which such things are capable” — Conquest of Happiness by Bertrand Russell

Love enhances all the best pleasures. Part of why I love love is because of its incredible ability not just to make everything better, but to make everything the best they can ever be. I really do believe that a life spent loving and being loved is a life set aglow. 

I’d describe love as an energy that inspires. And I think what the quote is talking about here - this magic power - is inspiration. Take love away and watch the possibilities quickly diminish. A relationship that fizzles out. A piece of art that lacks soul. A life that blends monotonously from one day into the next. It seems to me that, to delight in life, it makes so much sense to pour love — into anything. Or find something you love to pour into. Then, watch life itself bloom.

Now, let’s look at the second quote:

“Consider the difference between love and mere sex attraction. Love is an experience in which our whole being is renewed and refreshed as is that of plants by rain after drought. In sex intercourse without love there is nothing of this. When the momentary pleasure is ended, there is fatigue, disgust, and a sense that life is hollow. Love is part of the life of Earth; sex without love is not.” — Conquest of Happiness by Bertrand Russell

Our whole being is renewed and refreshed. Love is a life force. Notice anyone in love (whether it’s with a person, a work/vocation, a life) and you will detect an ever-present smile in their eyes, a lightness in their footsteps and an optimistic determination in their stride. Rarer still, catch someone in the act of falling in love and marvel at the way life is just breathed into their entire being. 

When the momentary pleasure is ended, there is fatigue, disgust, and a sense that life is hollow. If love is an expansive life force, I think the absence of love leaves behind a darkness (sometimes not immediately noticeable) that diminishes, shrinks, and depletes. It would be wise to become familiar with these emotions, if only to help us distinguish between love, and the lack thereof. 

An additional note that I thought I must leave: 

The second quote above offers some words of wisdom to distinguish love from sex, but I thought to offer a sisterly word of caution to the ladies, for whom this book was likely not written. Ladies, if you didn’t already know, we bond emotionally through sexual intercourse. This means that we are far more likely to fall in love or at the very least, form a deep attachment with the other party during sex. Even if we aim to do the opposite (i.e. remove all emotion from sex).

So while it may be difficult for us to completely remove love from sexual intercourse, it may serve us well to pay attention to any hollowness or emptiness, however fleeting, that arises after. This is a way to intuit whether the exchange is one of love or not. 

✿

And so, that is day 2/10: love is a source of delight; and its absence, a source of pain. See you soon for day 3/10!

warmest,
shiying