field notes: tried and proven ways to build rapport with strangers
a dear spring introvert’s guide to connecting with others at big conferences/events
Welcome to dear spring’s field notes: raw reflections from impactful encounters
Last year, I found myself on a 15-hour flight to Spain, headed for my first ever high-level work meeting. I was a bundle of nerves, of course, but also quietly thrilled. All the people I admired and respected were going to be there. Leaders who made great contributions to the field, individuals with great wisdom to dispense. My notebook was scribbled full of questions. My heart was full of anticipation, my notes reminding me to listen well and speak thoughtfully.
I was there to assist a senior colleague with coordinating the week’s agenda, and everything, by most measures, went well. The meetings ran on time. All our objectives were met. But beneath the surface, I felt small. Not in the humble, steady way. More like…untethered. Insignificant. I remember watching others carry themselves with ease, knowing when to speak, who to greet and how to move in the room. Meanwhile, I struggled to find my footing and often found myself tongue-tied. I left many words unsaid, multiple questions unasked. I wished I was less awkward, less shy and more confident. I wished I was someone who already belonged.
There are moments in life that silently mark an inflection point. That week in Spain was one of mine: a series of lightly painful encounters that revealed to me all the room I still had to grow. I noticed that the ability to connect: to walk into a room and make others feel seen while remaining rooted in yourself, is a skill. An art. I’ve long looked up to friends who radiate charisma, friends who know how to command a room and radiate confidence like a second skin. Well, it was time for me to measure up.
Eight months and several more meetings later, I find myself boarding another plane, this time to Switzerland. And this time, I left with new friendships, unexpected connections and the humming satisfaction of meeting the week-long event fully as myself. My heart is full from newfound relationships and my mind enriched from invigorating insights.
And so, below is a guide I put together. Filled with tried and proven ways to build rapport with strangers at most events. I walk you through pre-event preparations, how to craft an inviting conversation, how to gracefully exit one, and additional tips on nurturing a connection. It is a guide I wish I had when I begun, a guide I will return to, and now, it’s also yours! If you’re like me and are generally slow to warm up, I believe you will find it most helpful.
Soothing the pre-event jitters
A little bit of preparation can go a long way. It is a form of self-kindness, giving you one less thing to worry about.
Before the event, lay out all the details: the venue, date and time, dress code, programme schedule and rules for expected behaviour, if any.
Identify your objectives: what do you want to get out of the occasion?
Have people you want to speak to? Spend some time getting to know their work, not so much to impress them, but rather to meet them where they are.
Prepare a few conversation starters that are appropriate to the event and also feel natural to you (examples in a later section below).
Prepare event-appropriate outfits you feel comfortable and confident in.
The goal is to show up confidently and focus fully on achieving your objectives without worrying about your clothes being too tight or whether you blend in.
If you don’t have any, take the time to go shopping or see if you can borrow something suitable.
Bring items to solidify your impression on others.
If it is a professional event, I’d pack some name cards and have my LinkedIn profile polished and be ready to connect.
If it is something more personal, I’d bring a readiness to snap a photo as a keepsake (with discernment), and maybe even small cards to write handwritten notes.
Pack essential items. For me, this includes feminine toiletries, my make up pouch, perfume, tissues, an extra pen and small notepad, some mints to keep fatigue away.
Check my energy before entering a room
Energy is everything. Your mood has a scent that others will pick up on.
If you feel curious, content and excited to be there, others will feel it and respond in kind. If you’re grounded and earnest, it will show.
If I’m anxious, I try to understand why. Often, my anxiety arises from pressure I put on myself to perform, to impress. In those moments, it helps to just pause and breathe through it.
It also helps to tell myself that I don’t need to be impressive. That I deserve to be here. That I just need to focus on being present.
Focus less on what you say than how you make others feel. Because people often remember how you made them feel more than what you said (more on this below).
Crafting an inviting conversation
Most of us just want to feel welcome, seen and heard. A conversation that is warm, inviting and pleasant is a winning conversation.
I try to keep my opening line simple but warm. I often use variations of, “Hi, it’s lovely to meet you. My name is Shiying, and you are?” You can follow with:
“How has your experience been so far?”
“What brings you here?”
‘How are you connected to this event?”
If it is a professional event, I like to ask about their work.
What drew them to their field? What part of the work do they love?
What do they do when they’re not doing the thing?
You can collect facts, but remember, at this first conversation, the goal is to exchange warmth
If you’re the kind of person who can’t stand small talk, it is life-changing to realise that small talk often sets the stage for deeper, more meaningful connection.
If there’s food and drinks at the venue, inviting them to grab a cup of tea or coffee can add ease.
Sustaining an interesting conversation
Being curious and open is the best way to allow an interesting conversation to unfold, like coaxing the petals of a flower to bloom.
Lead with your curiosity. Keep your mind and your questions, open.
Focus on topics that lean positive. The goal is for your conversation partner to associate that conversation, to associate you, with pleasant feelings, feeling welcomed, heard, interesting and an overall enjoyable presence to be around.
An easy rule of thumb is to find out more about the other person’s story.
You may find that you’re keen to talk about yourself. You can do so, just keep your input light and strategic, and then gently redirect the conversation back to them. The key is to keep the spotlight on them.
Below are some topics that will always work:
Something that just happened at the event
A talk or panel you both attended
An upcoming talk at the event
The food or atmosphere
A shared observation of a passing moment
Always convey heartfelt feelings when they arise: praise, awe, curiosity and respect. People will notice, and they will remember.
Exiting a conversation gracefully
When it is time to go, leave the door open and welcome future connection.
When I was in Spain, the interactions that left the deepest impression on me were heartfelt and graceful goodbye’s. It could be as simple as a sincere expression of gratitude for connecting, or a light touch on the hand coupled with a warm smile when bidding farewell.
Offer to keep in touch through preferred channels (in my case, it was LinkedIn and WhatsApp). As you bid goodbye, be sure to express your gratitude for their time and slip in tidbits of your conversation - it adds a lovely, personal touch.
“It was so lovely to meet you and learn more about your work in…Let’s keep in touch.”
Offer something of value - a book or an article you think might be helpful to them, a connection with someone you think they should meet, for example.
Then, gently take your leave. Excuse yourself for a session, a break, a chat with someone else, or even a moment to reset. There is no need to over-explain.
Building and nurturing connection
Final tips to really show the other person - I see you and I am present.
Remember their name, and use it. Calling someone by their name tells them, “I see you. I remember.” and is powerful in building rapport.
“Sandra, you mentioned something earlier I’d love to hear more about…”
Show genuine interest. Remove anything that might be standing between you and the person. This includes an open laptop, cups of coffee or other paraphernalia.
Avoid crossing your arms, tilt your body forward and align your front towards the person. Subtly, you convey that they have your full attention and respect.
Don’t rush the depth. Let conversations unfold in their own time.
Some conversations will stay light. Let them.
Not everyone is looking to connect, and that’s okay. Some people are tired, some are shy, others have objectives that do not include getting to know other people.
If someone doesn’t respond warmly, don’t take it as a sign of your worth. I learned from a friend that you can always redirect your attention to those who are open, or even keen on having an exchange with you.
So redirect your energy toward openness, for there is always someone else scanning the room too.
If something awkward happens, it’s okay. We’ve all fumbled at some point. You might mispronounce a name or say something clumsy. Apologise and then move on.
Warmth looks like the small things. Offering a seat, including someone in a circle, asking, “Do you want to join us?” Oftentimes, these tiny gestures plant the seeds for deeper connection.
Final Thoughts
If it has been some time since you mingled with others at a large event, realise that you will probably need some time to warm up your social muscles. If you’re like me, your first few attempts might feel awkward or clunky. The way I felt so extremely out of my element when I was in Spain.
Fortunately, the ability to connect with others is a muscle that can be trained. And you can only get better at it. Some of my friends have perfected it into an art form and they are simply mesmerising to watch. They move through conversations like a bird soaring: smoothly, fluidly, confidently.
I think that the best part about this whole process is not just about building confidence through competency. It is not even about having the ability to carry a conversation and make others feel at ease around you. The best part is definitely - knowing that you can do all of that while staying true to yourself. Today, I stand a little taller. It is not a surprise when I realise I am looking forward to my next event, excited for the unexpected friends I might make and the stories I might get to hear.
What are your favourite ways to build rapport with others, in professional or personal settings?
✿
warmest,
shiying
P.S. Yellow roses, the image for this post, is the universal symbol for friendship.