courage as uncomfortable enlargement

When I turned 24 last year, I decided that the one thing I wanted to work on before I turned 25 was to live more courageously. The truth was, I’ve experienced a very real shrinking of my desire to put myself out there and experience new things. My appetite for risk has plummeted - a part of me feels as though I’ve become addicted to safety. 

So I pondered about courage. For quite some time, I thought that courage required two ingredients: the acute awareness of what it is you fear, and the determination to overcome that fear. If there’s anything that I fear, it would be conflict, criticism and uncertainty. And also cockroaches, I guess. 

Ming Yang, a close friend of mine, would ever so often encourage me to take as many risks as I can, while I still can. Indeed, consistently putting himself out of his comfort zone was as much as his life’s principle as it was his personality. While I still very much wanted to relish the hard-won safety and sense of stability I now enjoy (in my world, this is known as employment and the weekends), I also wanted to live more fully – more courageously. 

Luckily for me, role models are often close by. This year, I had the privilege of witnessing many acts of courage – the kind that stir warm bubbles of pride and inspiration in your chest.  Chinni turned her adoration for all things make-up into a side gig as a make-up artist while balancing her PhD. Jet committed to his own AI startup full time and is riding an exponential learning curve. My younger brother braved homesickness and hard labour on his expeditions out at sea and scored himself a well-deserved promotion. 

On closer look, I realised that courage isn’t just about overcoming fears now, is it? Sure, Chinni, Jet and my brother took some pretty big risks, and faced their many fears bravely. But there was also something else - the following of an inner compass inside them, a vote towards becoming the person they aspire to be. When Jet and I discussed the notion of courage, he shared that to him, courage is having the conviction to overcome certain fears in order to uphold your principles and values. And I think that’s precisely it. Courageous people inspire not only because they are acting in alignment with the person they want to be, but also the person they pride themselves to be. 

I think what’s beautiful about courage is that it often involves polishing a somewhat fuzzy idea of what you want into a clear picture, and then going after it, no matter the uncertainty/conflict/criticism that awaits. And so, I wanted to look back on my year to identify distinct moments where I practised courage. The moments that came to me first were the following. 

At work, courage was choosing to do my best and push through difficult work every day. Courage was confronting the fact that I make more mistakes than I’d like to; it was trying again and again, and then learning that acting can be the antidote to anxiety and restlessness. Courage was letting go of old working habits for new ones that serve me better; it was defining the traits that are most desired where I am employed - and then clarifying my own willingness to nurture these traits tenderly. Courage was contending with the kind of employee that I want to be, whether that was compatible with the very nature of the workplace, and navigating any differences so that I am aligned with my personal values. Courage was wanting to grow as a professional, on my terms as much as theirs.  

In my relationship, courage was overcoming my inclination to self-censor or mull over my words before I say them; it was honouring what I truly feel regardless of the fear of pushback; it was learning that conflicts aren’t bombs to detonate but puzzles to untangled. Courage was choosing to manage disagreements with curiosity, compassion, love and fierce objectivity; it was learning that conflict can be the greatest gift - that when unwrapped, they can only bring two people closer together. Courage was learning how to swim amidst uncertainty; part of it involves focusing on the things that I can control, and letting go of the things I cannot. Courage was wanting to be a good, supportive lover. 

With myself, courage was choosing kindness and empathy towards Shiying. Courage was also knowing when, to confront with brutal honesty, her flaws and shortcomings. Courage was wanting to take care of her and to make her proud – not disappointed. 

Courage was, in a world of constant striving, acknowledging the importance of routines in meeting my bone-deep longing for safety. It was spending time with family (my greatest source of stability) and allocating time for self-maintenance and journaling. For some people, change and uncertainty bring excitement and a readiness to ride the wave. I believe they win greatly in life during uncertain times like this. 

In Four Thousand Hours, Oliver Burkeman pulls a quote by James Hollis that summarises what I think courage is all about: in asking of every significant decision in life: “Does this choice diminish me, or enlarge me?” For Burkeman, courage seems to be beyond mere risk-taking and overcoming fears. Rather, it is “choosing uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable diminishment whenever you can” which also doubles as a way to best use our limited time on earth. I like this a lot.

I think courage is so respectable because it reflects a conscious choice to go after uncomfortable enlargement. I also think it requires an intimate level of self-awareness coupled with a deep humility to know that the greener pastures that lie on the other side require risk-taking. The past year has been a good start in terms of practising courage, but I’d like to exercise this muscle a lot more in my 25th year of life. 

warmest,
shiying

PS: I’ve been stuck in the longest writer's block whilst I nurse a burnout - and rewrote this piece an infinite number of times. A part of this piece was written during my three weeks in Melbourne where I found myself in a whirlwind of new routines - my body doesn't seem to like change and it has communicated that through its need for lots amount of rest. I took two two-hour naps the other day, and slept like a log throughout the night. Here is the piece, finally, 1.5 months after it was due. Thank you for reading!